k e i t h e d w a r d p a u g h

– Eric Tu

Lord Of The Cello

– Brought to you by: “San Diego Weddings are the new awesome”

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Last night I had the saddest dream about my ex-girlfriend. It was like in a short film or a commercial. She was running and supposed to visit me, but the film had been re-edited and they re-shot a new ending without me. She was actually visiting Spike Jonze instead of me! I was so devastated and I asked once for all,

“Why did you leave me?”

She answered,

“You had terrible breath and I couldn’t take it anymore.

I immediately reached in my pocket hoping to find some mints. I said,

“That’s so unfair. You could have let me know and I would have eaten a lot of mints. By the way, I remember this one month your breath had deteriorated and I didn’t want to upset you, so I bought a big bottle of Listerine to pretend it was for my own use, but I discretely encouraged you to imitate me. So the problem was solved without hurting your feelings.”

She answered,

“I remember, but the bottle was for you, not for me!”

So unfair…

Later, I was trying to follow her in a sleeping train and I could never be in the same compartment as her. I was even saying to her parents how much I was missing them, but there was no way to find her in this train that was cruising through the snow.

Then a drunk, driving a truck, fishtailed, hit us and went crazy over the freeway.

– Michel Gondry

(re-printed without consent)

– Lisa “Yolise”

JPG Magazine

– John Carlteon

Hide the Cadbury Mini Eggs.

Yesterday the Elders Quorum made breakfast for a Break-The-Fast meal. I had mentioned earlier to the EQP that they should add bacon to their menu, which he so kindly did.

Well, they bought a lot of bacon. About 10 pounds worth even, but as luck would have it they were practically out by the time I was making my breakfast burrito and I only got two pieces. You can see how this was insufficient.

I quickly ducked into the kitchen and encouraged the men to keep frying.

Meanwhile, one of the family wards had returned to the building for choir practice, and a few children had found our breakfast spread. We graciously shared what was left with them.

I had just finished my burrito when an announcement was made to the cultural hall that more bacon was now ready. I took my time getting back to the buffet tables as not to appear too eager, and in those two minutes all the bacon was gone. I asked Lowell (a federal agent), standing by the empty platter what had happened, and learned the kids had rushed the table. I said,

“Lowell, as a federal agent, don’t you have the authority to stop their little hands from taking my bacon?”

(Ed. note: “I’ll take your bacon.”)

(Ed note: No flirting on the Blog.)

As we were talking about this, a new batch of grease hot bacon was brought out of the kitchen. I thanked the cook for the new supply and went to grab a plate when the bacon thieves returned. They circled the table and began reaching in for the crispy delicious.

I cried out, “Hey!” and Lowell took his cue to reprimand the three boys.

“Now, kids. I think you’ve had plenty of our food. Go and find your parents.”

The boys ran out of the room about to cry, and I ran out too. Paris had already stopped them to let them know Lowell was joking. I felt so bad. My bacon addiction had broken the feelings of innocent children. They like bacon just as much as me.

This is when I realized I might have a bacon problem.

– Marilyn Lau

Dear Diane,

I’m glad you were born because you have this smile I can’t forget. It shines all the time.

Love, Josh (6)

KEITH fills out a form waiting for an AM PM Commercial Audition. He turns and sees a mustachioed fellow doing the same.

Keith – Sweet ‘Stach Bro.

Jake – Thanks man.

K – Yeah I had one till a few months ago. Yer making me miss it.

J – Aww man! Why’d you shave it?!

K – It was getting sorta of unwieldy.

J – You started kissing a girl.

K – No, unfortunately… I had it where the ends were curling up–

J – The full “Rollie Fingers.”

K – Exactly. It was becoming a lot of effort to upkeep, and then there were a few auditions that I thought I should lose it for…

J – Yeah, I get so much crap from my agent about this thing (Mustache).

K – Bet.

J – But if you like this (mustache), then you’ll probably appreciate what I’ve got going on here.

(Jake hands Keith his Headshot. Jake is pictured well coifed and leaning to one side wearing a Chicago Bears sweater, his mustache brilliant over a “thumbs up” smile.)

K – Oh… Oh my. That’s… its really good.

J – Hahaha, Thanks.

I’ll tell you who likes it (mustache) though. I’m a card player, and not a good one, so when I go to casinos and am at tables I like to make a few jokes.

Normally I say something and get “not a chance kid” looks from people, but since I’ve had the stach… The other night I was down in San
Diego–

K – At Oceans 11.

J – Haha! Yes! Right off the I-5

K – Place is beat.

J – Yeah! So i’m there and crackin’ jokes and this old grizzled guy is like: (gravely, pointing) “You said it Chief.”

Casting Agent – Keith and… Jake, you’re next.

Let us hope and pray.